Pack up the Tents

we have moved many times.  how many?  many...
it's been in a time period of 20 years...
and here we go again.  and it is good.
and it is clear.
we have been in southern ca for 5 years now.  we came from the central coast with a job transfer.  we said "oh Lord, we will go anywhere but l.a."  hence why we are in l.a.
and it's been hard.
and it's been good.

we are transferred again to a mountain area.  we are going to be mountain people.  imagine.  we will live on a strong slanted hill where it would really be a bad idea to sled down it considering it's a pretty busy road at the bottom.  we won't really have a yard, but the forest is close, right??  checked out the library and it looks like it will be a good fit for our family.  small town libraries are the best.  it is a 950 sq. ft. cabin.  3 bedrooms.  2 bathrooms. (that part is a gift from the Lord - thank you)

i feel like the Lord has told us, "pack up your tents.  time to go.  your work is done here and I've got things for you to do".
and it brings a big sigh.
this probably has a lot to do with the fact that our two oldest boys have lived in the back yard in a
ti pi for the last year and half - yes, by choice.  they wanted to brave the storms of winter and the blazing heat of summer.  we learned we were moving so one afternoon while the ti pi was dry it was time for it to come down and for the men to move back inside like civilized folk.  terribly hard to sleep for the first few nights with having a comfortable bed and all.  the ti pi came down, was rolled up and packed away for a indefinite time until it comes out of the "long term storage" pile for the next set of adventures, late night book readings and midnight rat captures.

this last five years living in this city life place has been a huge season of loss for us.  loss of our babies, loss of three amazingly loving grandparents, loss of a relationship of one dearly loved & missed, loss of friends, loss of a child of a friend, loss of health for several that we love.  it has been a heavy season. it has been a growing season.  a season of listening.  a season of waiting.  a season of questioning.
and we still have hope.
hope in our Savior.
trust in his plan for us...

i keep thinking of calling my grandfather to tell him of the new things going on and he isn't there.  but still, his christmas present sits on the mantle wrapped...i think i will leave it a bit longer.  not ready to move it yet... strange how it takes so long to adjust.

i seek the Lord, searching His Word, asking for a word from Him.   i wait...ask Him to release me from the fear that i have entangled myself in.  asking Him to heal the holes in my heart knowing and trusting that He patch it perfectly.

i look forward in anticipation of what He is leading us to.

it has also been a season of joy...
we have been so blessed to have our family grow with a son-in-law and a bright, blue-eyed baby grandson.
blessed by our neighborhood,
blessed by our lay-hands-on-you-and-pray-in-the-name-of-Jesus-neighbors.  (yes! that's you!)
       by this we have been most blessed; people confident in our God's good and perfect plan for each one of us.
blessed by the home fellowship group we have been able to be a part of and for the dear friendships made there that we hope will last a lifetime.
we have had the great joy of a growing and loving marriage - soon to be 20 years.
of reunited friendships,
a special relationship with a most dear auntie & uncle,
time with our folks,
and now a season on mountain living.
we are truly blessed.

our sweet "baby girl" & our grandbaby

Miscarriage Remembrance Month

quote found on pintrest

Did you know that October is a remembrance month of miscarriage, stillbirth, pregnancy loss and infant loss?   Did you know that chances are that those mamas (and daddys) that have lost babies through miscarriage, or stillbirth still think of those little ones that that they never got  to hold at their breast and rock in the night?  How do I know?  Because I am one of those mothers.  1 out of 4 mothers lose their babies to pregnancy loss,

I have five babies in heaven.  Three of them I have named.  Two of them I have gone through labor and delivery  I have held them, wrapped them in blankets, stroked their tender cheeks, kissed their sweet faces.  I have buried them.  I have been swollen with milk unable to nourish my little one.  My body still bears the stretch marks of pregnancy.  My arms still long to hold the babies.  At night when I rest my hand still lays over my empty womb waiting to feel the flutters that won't come.  I say "I" in all of this but the loss is ours.  My husband and I.  We have gone through these losses together.

When I have had pregnancy loss I really haven't had a question of why but fully believe that it part of God's perfect plan for my life.  For my families life.  I still grieve.  My heart still breaks.  I still think of and long to hold my children.  BUT I know that the Lord is faithful.  He has yet to leave me.  He gives me soothing peace as only a heavenly Father can do.  He reminds me of His love for me. Reminds me that my children are with him free from the confusion of this world.

For the last two deliveries with my children at home I have sung during labor and delivery.  I know that sounds strange but i grew up singing.  loving to sing and was able to block out hurt or distraction with song.  So i tried this with the intense pain of labor.  the morning of knowing that I would need to delivery a baby whose breathe was gone I walked around the block of our neighborhood.  I needed to be alone with the Lord.  Wondered if I could get labor to start moving.  I remember feeling like I was on a death march.  Knowing there was no turning back but that at that moment the Lord God had it planned for me to go through this storm.  My Jesus can walk on water and He can calm the storms. The song "Captivate Us" by Watermark   came on.  I locked it in on my phone and that would be the song that we would listen to for the hours of this journey.  My husband and I were able to quickly learn the words as we would sing together. Crying and holding each other we would continue to worship.  Now, a year latter, when that song comes on we reach for one another's hand.  Praising Jesus for the little girl that song reminds us of and missing her terribly.  Her name is Maple Clara.  A little sister to three sisters and four brothers here.

Chances are you know someone who has lost a little one that they love and still miss.  Why not send them a handwritten note to let them know you haven't forgotten and you know they haven't either.  I know for me it is healing to talk about my little ones - especially as it is so recent to have lost them.  I have lost three babies in the last 19 months.

I am still awaiting the due date of my fifth last miscarriage. I was four months. October 25, 2014.

Have you lost a little one?  Your child? A grandchild? If you like please honor them by writing their name in the comet list below.

Monica 14 weeks 1995
Matthew David 7 months February 2000
Easter baby 8 weeks March 31, 2013
Maple Clara 5 months October 20, 2013
Baby Caldwell 4 months April 14, 2014